This coming Monday, April 16th, is the 2012 Boston Marathon. I will not be running. That is not the easiest pill to swallow. This is not going to be the easiest weekend. No matter where I am or what I will be doing I will be thinking about what I WOULD be doing if I was running on Monday.
I have decided that this weekend, I will go to Boston. Why the heck would you go to Boston to just be reminded of it you might ask.. Well, I want my bib number and my t-shirt. I earned it. And I worked really fucking hard to get it. Plus, who better to ease the pain then my boyfriend and best friends?
To get to Boston this weekend I decided to take the usual 7PM acela train that I used to take with ease every other weekend. But today, it was much harder. I couldn't get out of work right at 6 when the kids leave because it takes me much longer to do things like pick up the classroom. I couldn't take the quick express subway directly to penn station. I had to take the cab in friday afternoon traffic. And once I got to the station I couldn't run to my gate, I had to crutch.
Even though I threw in the crutch hop, I still missed my train. And right then and there, I felt so helpless and weak. I sat on the concrete floor of Penn Station, called my mom, and cried. Sobbed actually. Something I would have never been caught dead doing before. I wasn't crying because I missed my train. I was crying because I was so emotionally and physically exhausted.
I know I am brave and I know I have courage. But somedays, most days, this is really hard, and being that brave and keeping my head up is really hard. It's a constant conscious effort. I'll get through it, this I know. Time will pass, but for now -- damn, this is hard and I am prepared for this weekend to be that much harder.
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