There
are many things I’ve had to learn to do on my own that I wasn’t originally able
to do on crutches. One thing I was yet to do without help was go grocery
shopping. I used to call up someone up and have them walk around the grocery
store holding my grocery basket and grabbing the things I asked them to get.
I’ve
always had this “I can do it myself” attitude about me. This need to be this
independent person. And somewhere along the way, with good reason, I lost that
attitude. I kind of gave it up. I had to teach myself to ask people to do
things for me. Now--- I’m teaching myself to get the attitude back.
So
today, I went to the grocery store BY MYSELF. Getting your groceries while crutching consists of
1) Putting both crutches under one armpit and holding the basket in the open
hand (don’t tell my PT, I’m always supposed to have both on either side)
2) Putting the basket down in each isle so I could crutch and carry what I
need.
3) Handing the basket to the cashier and ask him to unload it for you
4) Putting all your groceries in one bag and throwing the bag over your
shoulder for the walk home.
In my second surgery
they put three metal plates in my shin and ankle. I clearly woke up in
excruciating pain. The nurse put
me on a very high dosage of morphine. After a period of drooling and nonsense
she realized that she had given me too much. She pulled me from the morphere
and gave me pills that she then realized I couldn’t keep down. Moral of the
story I was on no pain meds after an extremely intense surgery. At that point
there was nothing anyone could do. I had to figure out and get through that
pain myself. I closed my eyes and laid there, completely internalized
everything. I didn’t speak, I just layed trying to ride it out.
My
mom held my hand but SHE couldn’t take the pain away. My doctor can allow me to
put weight down but HE wont be the one to get my ankle moving again. My PT can give me exercises
to do but she won't be the one to get me back on the tredmil. My boss can tell me I don’t have to walk the students to recess but he won't be the one to take the limp away in my walk.
My boyfriend can tell my I’m pretty but he won't be the one to make me believe it when people stare. My friends can tell me I’m determined and
I’ll get through it, but THEY wont be the ones to do the work of getting there. All of those
things, they’re on me. Don’t get me wrong, all of the support is extremely
helpful and I would never be where I am today without it. But getting to the first
starting line and more importantly the to the finish… that’s all on me. And let me
tell you, it’s terrifying.
