Grocery Shopping

              

There are many things I’ve had to learn to do on my own that I wasn’t originally able to do on crutches. One thing I was yet to do without help was go grocery shopping. I used to call up someone up and have them walk around the grocery store holding my grocery basket and grabbing the things I asked them to get.

I’ve always had this “I can do it myself” attitude about me. This need to be this independent person. And somewhere along the way, with good reason, I lost that attitude. I kind of gave it up. I had to teach myself to ask people to do things for me. Now--- I’m teaching myself to get the attitude back.

So today, I went to the grocery store BY MYSELF. Getting your groceries while crutching consists of

1) Putting both crutches under one armpit and holding the basket in the open hand (don’t tell my PT, I’m always supposed to have both on either side)

2) Putting the basket down in each isle so I could crutch and carry what I need.

3) Handing the basket to the cashier and ask him to unload it for you

4) Putting all your groceries in one bag and throwing the bag over your shoulder for the walk home.

In my second surgery they put three metal plates in my shin and ankle. I clearly woke up in excruciating pain.  The nurse put me on a very high dosage of morphine. After a period of drooling and nonsense she realized that she had given me too much. She pulled me from the morphere and gave me pills that she then realized I couldn’t keep down. Moral of the story I was on no pain meds after an extremely intense surgery. At that point there was nothing anyone could do. I had to figure out and get through that pain myself. I closed my eyes and laid there, completely internalized everything. I didn’t speak, I just layed trying to ride it out.

My mom held my hand but SHE couldn’t take the pain away. My doctor can allow me to put weight down but HE wont be the one to get my ankle moving again. My PT can give me exercises to do but she won't be the one to get me back on the tredmil. My boss  can tell me I don’t have to walk the students to recess but he won't be the one to take the limp away in my walk.  My boyfriend can tell my I’m pretty but he won't be the one to make me believe it when people stare. My friends can tell me I’m determined and I’ll get through it, but THEY wont be the ones to do the work of getting there. All of those things, they’re on me. Don’t get me wrong, all of the support is extremely helpful and I would never be where I am today without it. But getting to the first starting line and more importantly the to the finish… that’s all on me. And let me tell you, it’s terrifying.