A Real Runner

Over the last few months I've gone through a lot of phases. There was the "i'm so hyped up on pain meds everything is great" phase. Then there was the constant replay and total focus of the actual accident phase. Once I was out of the hospital and off all the pain meds I was in the "I need to know every detail of what happened in the hospital" phase. Either I repressed a lot, pain meds made me forget, or some combination of both. If you knew me at all before the accident you would have said I was pretty obsessed with running. Alot of people have said this accident could be good because it might help with my obsession. Well, they're wrong. Now I am in the phase where I am EVEN MORE OBSESSED with running.

The running obsession phase comes in many forms:

1. Constant day dreams of when my feet used to hit the pavement or of the day they will again.
2. Creepily starring at people running and mentally critiquing there pathetic speed and form
3. Creepily standing next to my favorite treadmill at the gym and fantasizing about running on it again
4. The reoccurring dream where I jump out of bed and just take off running in absolutely no pain (this took place of the dream where I get hit by the cab, so it's actually a huge upgrade)
5. Talking to anyone who is training for a race asking way to many questions and giving way too much advise that they probably don't need or want.
6. Reading runnersworld.com instead of doing work.

Yesterday I read that wearing "real running gear" (looks like swim suit bottoms and a big sports bra) will make you a faster runner. I never wore it before because I felt that I wasn't a real hard core runner and I wasn't fit enough. Yet, as I watch the runner muscle fall off my once toned body I realize that I should have been way more confident.

In my first surgery they did a couple things. First, they reset all the brakes in my tibia and fibula. Both the bones in my shin... split right down the middle.. ouch! Then put what they called the X FIX on my leg. X FIX - short for external fixtator. What the heck is that you might be wondering.. It is the definition of repulsive. It's what they used to to stabilize my leg before the swelling went down so I could have my second surgery. Key word, external, only it was attached to my (internal) bones.

As gross and painful as that may sound, I knew then and I know now that getting the X FIX was my first real step to recovery. At the time I didn't realize how many steps there would be and I still don't know how many more the future will hold. But I can tell you what the last step to recovery will be-- buying one of those runner outfits. I'm confident that after all of this, i'll be a real runner.