The Penn Station Floor

This coming Monday, April 16th, is the 2012 Boston Marathon. I will not be running. That is not the easiest pill to swallow. This is not going to be the easiest weekend. No matter where I am or what I will be doing I will be thinking about what I WOULD be doing if I was running on Monday.

I have decided that this weekend, I will go to Boston. Why the heck would you go to Boston to just be reminded of it you might ask.. Well, I want my bib number and my t-shirt. I earned it. And I worked really fucking hard to get it. Plus, who better to ease the pain then my boyfriend and best friends?

To get to Boston this weekend I decided to take the usual 7PM acela train that I used to take with ease every other weekend. But today, it was much harder. I couldn't get out of work right at 6 when the kids leave because it takes me much longer to do things like pick up the classroom. I couldn't take the quick express subway directly to penn station. I had to take the cab in friday afternoon traffic. And once I got to the station I couldn't run to my gate, I had to crutch.

Even though I threw in the crutch hop, I still missed my train. And right then and there, I felt so helpless and weak. I sat on the concrete floor of Penn Station, called my mom, and cried. Sobbed actually. Something I would have never been caught dead doing before. I wasn't crying because I missed my train. I was crying because I was so emotionally and physically exhausted.

I know I am brave and I know I have courage. But somedays, most days, this is really hard, and being that brave and keeping my head up is really hard. It's a constant conscious effort. I'll get through it, this I know. Time will pass, but for now -- damn, this is hard and I am prepared for this weekend to be that much harder.

PS -- Don't worry. I got another train. Let's be real. I wouldn't let a stupid train keep me from that bib number and t shirt.  

I Appreciate It

Sometimes people do realize how big of a difference they and their actions can make. There are so many small things in my life lately that I appreciate so much. On a daily basis I hear myself saying “You don’t understand how much I appreciate it.” So today—I thought to take the time to talk about all the things, small and big, that make a huge difference, that I appreciate so much.

1) My Physical Therapist. Also my new therapist. I look forward to seeing her all day, everyday. She has no idea

2) The packages from all my friends and family that I continue to get and always cheer me up.

3) The blow pops, got my 5^th bag from one of The Chi O’s today.

4) The new song that by Kelly Clarkson “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” what a pick me up.

5) Calcium supplements – call from my doctors today, nothings wrong with my “soft bones.” Rock on.

6) Sweet Potato Stew - my lunch that my wonderful mother has cooked and frozen for me in mini containers one for each day of the week. It’s my only lunch option since the grocery story isn’t.

7) Mederma—scar cream that my friend got for me. It seems to be working its wonders.

After surgery I had to keep food down and my pain under control before I could go home. I was in the hospital for 3 nights after my first surgery. My brother, boyfriend, and parents were all there all day. They took nighttime shifts so I was never really alone. My dad had the 12am-4am shift. That was when I was always the most awake. I have so many bad memories from the experience. But the night time with my dad is something I will always cherish. Thanks dad, you don’t understand how much I appreciate it.

50 Percent Walk

GREAT NEWS. I went to the doctor today for my 2 month check up. My not so compassionate doc pulled my ankle back and forth and didn’t say much except this:

“WALK”

Clearly I was SHOCKED and needed the reassurance that he wanted me to walk with both feet.

“YEAH, JUST WALK” he said this so non-chilantly it made me feel like some freak of nature to be uneasy about this. Last step I took was crossing york ave, MONTHS ago. I really wanted to tell him to pipe down and let me hold onto something for a second, but he was having NONE of that.

So, I did, I walked. It hurt, hurt bad. Probably looked real funny to watch me too. After watching me hobble down the hallway he didn't believe me when I tried to convince him there was no pain. He decided bone growth wasn’t all there, so I have 3 weeks of “50 percent weight.”

"50 percent weight" includes

1) This fantastic air cast (see ya never ugly black boot)

2) Walking very slowly with two crutches, very very slowly.

3) BIKING!!! You know were I’ll be tomorrow. Equinox hogging the bike, until someone kicks me off.

4) Pain and swelling but who cares because my foot is touching the ground.

5) A good nights sleep FINALLY as well.

I spent 5 days at home after the surgery learning to crutch around with heavy metals rods sticking out of my ankle before my second surgery. With that under my belt, I can definitely learn to “50 percent walk”. NO PROBLEM.